Unwanted Thoughts

**Trigger warning! Suicide and related themes are discussed in this post.**

Have you ever wondered what would happen if you left this world voluntarily? If you decided one day, that your pain was too great or that you no longer believed you belonged here? What would your loved ones say? Would they be surprised? Would some of them have seen the signs?

I reached a new low these past couple of weeks. I’ve been having intrusive thoughts that scare me. I am aware of them, I can see them and talk to them. I feel I’m (still) in control of them. But the fact that they’re there is not normal for me. And it has got me thinking. Thinking about how those around me would react if I did in fact act on these thoughts. They’d be shocked, I know. I’d be the last person they’d expect to have done this. They wouldn’t be able to understand what happened. And how could they. How many people actually notice when someone’s behavior shifts? How many notice, that their friend is suddenly less perky? How many would notice, that the spark in their friend’s eyes has been snuffed out? Few. Too few. But it wouldn’t be their fault. Not everyone is vigilant enough to see the warning signs, and too many are too good at hiding them.

This world needs more love. And hugs. There’re never enough hugs.

For anyone who’s ever had thoughts like this, please know that you matter and you are loved. The world needs you. Keep reminding yourself that this is a storm and it will pass. Please ride it out. It will get better.